FED UP!

Well its been awhile since I updated my blog. Lots of things have happened since my last entry. My aunt went for her haj. My two cousins got married. My projects are starting to build up. And my mom still pissed off with me. Look its not as if I want to come home late. I have a whole lot of other stuff that I have to do instead of carrying to heavy speakers and do sound checks and then the next day having to do the event in the morning. But that is the only job I can do on my own time and it’s not as if she doesn’t know where I am or who I’m with. Its not like I went out just for fun. In fact I didn’t have dinner that night. And lunch was at noon yesterday. I was so hungry but when I came home, she was pissed off and I had no mood to eat. And the reason why the sound check was late was because I had training and by the time I got to the cc was close to 11.30. When I arrived my uncle had already done the setting up. All we had left was the sound check.

After which I went home. It was 12.30pm by the time I arrived home. I told my uncle that I was going to accompany my mom to the clinic to get the thumb checked, he said ok. Usually when my mom wants to go out, she would wake me up but today she didn’t and I over slept. She woke up by and asked when I could accompany her to the hospital. The only day that I’m free or at least end early if I’m lucky would be Wednesday, Friday I could accompany her that means skip training which I don’t mind. so I told her Wednesday after 3 cause I can only leave after my labs and skip my three lectures but when she got home she was pissed off and called my sister or should I say pretended to call my sister saying that she was not going to take care of my nephews and she was sick and tired of the house. And that she thinks me and my twin are just out till late at night wift our boyfriends, having “fun”. My twin came home at 1.30 last night due to her Dinner and Dance. SHE HAD DINNER AND DANCE and she couldn’t come home early! I had training and then work and I get this shit. I really cant wait till I start real work then I’ll show my mom. For now all I can do is to shut up, mind my own business and swallow everything she says no matter how painful it is. She is pushing me to be like my brother. But for get it. It’s not going to be that easy to get rid of me. My mom can do or say anything she wants to. As long as I know what I do has a reason and she knows of what I’m doing till late at night, I’m fine with it. She can even come down for all the events and spy for all I care. Cause I’m not afraid.

Damn tired today. Had two shows back to back. Flew solo for an event last night. It was a Deepavali cum Hari Raya thingy. It was fun though it ended close to midnight. And I was damn tired. Plus there was this drunkard woman. She just made things worse. She came up to the DJ console and told me to play a song for her. From far she looked harmless but MAN! When she came near immediately I felt like throwing up due to the strong smell of alcohol, I started coughing my heart out. I couldn’t even speak a single line without coughing. Lucky thing there was a guy who took over my place and I just spin the music. After the event, I had some really good comments from the guest. Some even asked for my name cards but didn’t have any so I gave them my uncle’s.

This is not really the first time I flew solo. Second, actually but each time I flew solo the number things that I had to do kept increasing. The first time I flew solo all I did was to spin music. Last night’s event, I had to be the DJ/MC. Which I don’t normally do, usually the DJ part’s left for my uncle but he couldn’t because he had to DJ another event. This morning’s event was also another long one. It was a CC event, at the stadium. All I did was to spin the songs they gave. I only had less then 5 hours of sleep and I was do this morning’s event, all alone. My uncle was too tired form the event that he did. I can’t really complain because he pays me and that’s my school allowance. I just don’t understand why my mom is making a big deal out of things. She had a black face on since this morning. Don’t know why but I got a gut feeling it’s because I got home close to half pass 1 this morning and I left 6.40am. But she’s got to understand that I’m working. I have to cause that would be my allowance for the rest of the month and the next. And its not ever weekend I have an event like last night’s. Yeah my dad gives me cash but that is not enough. That would only over enough for transport and my bill, after which I would only have $50 to spend and mind you, I buy on own daily stuff. I try not to ask from her. And even if I do I would have to pay her back. WHY CANT SHE UNDERSTAND THAT! Its not like I want to come home so late. And plus I still have a paper to study for. I just hate it when she does this. Why cant she just understand?!

Nightmares and being pinned down...
Nothing much happened in school. Was damn tired this morning…and I fell asleep on the way to school and on the way back due to having not enough sleep. Been having nightmares and that pinned down feelings two nights in a row. Maybe it’s because I’m just too physically drained. Gonna retire early tonight. So that at least I’d be awake during my lecture. Plus projects are coming in and I’m still not done with my research for understanding theater. Need to find out more about a theater technique called Alienation. It’s a technique that breaks the fourth which divides the audients from the actors. With Alienation the audients would be more involved at the story unfolds. The audients would be apart of the story instead of having to just sit there and watch. A technique which would be quiet interesting to apply on my play which I don’t know when will come to life. Maybe it would just be one of my dreams, that just replays over and over again as I watch other plays come to life.

Nightmares and being pinned down...
Nothing much happened in school. Was damn tired this morning…and I fell asleep on the way on the way to school and on the way back due to having not enough sleep. Been having nightmares and that pinned down feelings two nights in a row. Maybe it’s because I’m just too physically tired. Gonna retire early tonight. So that at least I’d be awake during my lecture. Plus projects are coming in and I’m still not done my research for understanding theater. Need to find out more about a theater technique called Alienation. It’s a technique that breaks the fourth which divides the audients from the actors. With Alienation the audients would be more involved at the story unfolds. The audients would be apart of the story instead of having to just sit there and watch. A technique which would be quiet interesting to apply on my play which I don’t know when will come to life. Maybe it would just be one of my dreams, that just replays over and over again as I watch other plays come to life.

nothing much...
Nothing much happened since I last blogged. I’ve been going out with my mom, twin and my twin’s college for dinner. I eat till I throw up because I was so full. And school is the same boring and understanding theater was just okay for me, nothing really special. Finding that life is getting more boring by the month. I went out with my gal Siti today, she’s a friend of mine who lives just like 3 blocks away. We went walking in the park, playing the swing and had ice cream and walked home. It was nice just to have a walk like that. If it was a walk at the beach that would just take the cake. It kinda helped me clear some stuff that I had been thinking about but there are some stuff which I couldn’t get out of my head cause when I get home it hit me in the face again. Stuff which I cant really blog about though I wish I could. I guess its about time that I listened to my own advice, which is just go with the flow. So I’m just going with the flow with life itself. Anyway its getting late and I should get going because my pretty little niece is here and its my turn to shower her tomorrow.

Oh just before I leave, I’m taking my Basic Driving Theory Test. Yay! Yes, I’m learning how to drive and for those of you who are reading this and are starting to think, “hey you don’t we go to school together and ‘we’ can drive to school.” think twice before you ask me that question. I am no personal driver. And sorry no pictures today cause I misplaced my Bluetooth device again.

I HATE RESEARCH!!

Poems
I have depression I do admit,
Admit that I have been depressed,
Thinking how much I wish I could be happy,
Thinking how much I want in life,
Thinking how much you can miss someone you love,
When I look back I can see how much this depression has been there in my life,
I need this to be fake,
I need this not to be true,
Yet again its true I have this depression that makes me sad inside and the outside,
My depression has caused me to see how sad I can be,
How it makes me feel,
How this depression makes me think of cutting and suicide,
But we all human,
We have all have something to overcome,
I will overcome this depression once and for all,
I fight back some how,
This depression I will get rid of someday,
For now I have to deal with it.
But how

Jennifer Rondeau

Life is a prison,
Oh God let me out.
No one to listen,
To hear when you shout.
Climb the walls of insanity,
Ride the waves of despair.
If you fall it don't matter,
There's no one to care.
Used to wish for a window,
To see birds, trees and sky,
But you're better without one -
Stops you aiming too high.
Watching freedom is painful,
For those locked away.
Seeing joy, love and happiness,
Another price that you pay.
Strong is good, weak is bad.
Be it false, be it true.
Your mind makes the choice,
And enforces it too.
Cell walls built by society,
With rules to adhere.
If you breach the acceptable,
You had better beware.
Hide the pain, carry on,
Routine is the key.
Don't let on that you're not,
What you're pretending to be.
Lock it all up inside you,
How badly that bodes.
Look out for that one day,
When it all just explodes.
Leaving naught but a shell,
Base functionality too.
But killing all else,
That was uniquely you.
So how do you grow,
With a timebomb inside?
Or how to defuse it,
Without destroying its ride?
You can't.

by Puff