Hey its been awhile since I blogged. Looks like the only time I can blog is on the weekends. That is if I have the time to.

Early in the week, things were fine. Work was also okay, starting to like it. But recently things started to take a dip. My grandmother’s condition was getting worse. And my mom, she was admitted to the A&E on Thursday. My mom has been complaining of chest pains for the past few days. I have told her not to work. But no she wouldn’t listen. On Wednesday I left work an hour early cause my grandma wasn’t doing very good and she kept calling for everyone. So my mom thought it would be good if I went to see her. Than Thursday afternoon I got a call from my uncle saying it was urgent. My mom had gone for a check up at the polyclinic and they referred her to TTSH A&E. I had to take urgent half day leave to bring her over. By the time she got put under observation I was damn tired. I thought since there was nothing much I could do and since I in a really bad need of a shower, I would go home and rest for awhile and have my twin take over my place till 11.30pm. I thought I would give my eldest sis an update on my mom’s condition. She started screaming at me just because I told her I was heading home for awhile.

HELLO! Her scan was at midnight. What the hell you want me to do? Wait there. Why can’t Nazimah wait and I go home than we switch places? But no you didn’t want to listen to my explanation. What! You think I would just leave mom there and have fun? Even though she controls my life, I have hardly left her alone especially in the hospital! Whatever I do is wrong. When will it ever be right? Wait maybe I know. When I’m 6 feet under ground maybe! I guess than everyone would be happy. One less problem, right?

On top of all this turmoil somehow I feel that I’m also loosing the only person I know I can turn when I just need a shoulder to cry on. Have had this feeling for awhile and usually this kind of feeling scares me and turns me emo. But hey maybe it’s just me thinking too much. But how can I not. Everything I do reminds me of this person. Even the places I go. Even at work. I have taken down the pictures thinking it would help. But it doesn’t. I have to get a grip of my life again. So many things have been happening around me I’ve barely had time to sit down and think straight. The only place I have now is my blog. Which even this I think I have to stop! I have to swallow all this bitterness in silence. So if I don’t update my blog sorry. I know some of you keep track of my blog cause we don’t meet up. Once agaun I'm sorry guys. Anyway I got to go. See ya around soon.

It’s been awhile since I wrote. Things haven’t been as pretty as it seems. It’s been a rough week for me. Not work. Work has been fine. Well, I’m not really up to the standard yet but hey I’m getting there, I guess. Only time can tell. Though I did screw up 2 emails but I’m new and learning. I know it’s not a very good excuse but I know…I know I will get there just like how I got my diploma. I know I can do it. I bet some of guys at my work place are thinking I’m a little annoying because I keep asking about things. I hope they are not. They are actually a great bunch of guys believe me. They are different from the guys I know who are in NS. They are really fun to be with. I would not want to work with anyone else, really.

Anyway about having a bad week. Had a huge fight with my uncle and mom. I don’t why people say I have changed when clearly I haven’t. Why are people so afraid of change? I don’t change because of anyone. I changed because it’s about time. I couldn’t say anything or do anything before cause people at home say I’m useless and worthless and now that I’ve proven that I’m not like that they change and say I’m bad. Why do they make me the out cast. Why the double standard? Why just because I’m twins. Just because I have finally gotten what I’ve wanted it’s wrong. For once I wanna be happy. I don’t want to have to wear a mask every time. For once I wanna be me. I wanna stop being the girl that everyone uses and just throws away like a rag when not wanted. People tell me I should speak up but when I do suddenly its wrong. LEAVE ME ALONE PEOPLE! I wanna live my life the way I want to. I’ve got to learn from my own mistakes. I don’t want to always have a safety net under me when I fall. I want to be normal. I want to fall and get hurt. I want people to stop treating me like child. I’m freaking 23 for god sake. I’m a grown woman. In 3 years I would be married. Like or not you people will have to learn that!

Why cant people just be proud of what I have achieved and say hey you did a good job keep it up. Instead of saying that I did everything wrong when it was right. Why? Right now, I’m on my own. I have made that decision to be on my own. It’s going to rough but hey I’m tough. I will through this. And I know there will always be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. Everything happens for a reason. I shall take this as a challenge to make myself a better person.